Quotes from a funny girl

A certain family member has a peculiar way of expressing herself!

—————– —————– —————–

“When you do mouth to mouth, do you blow air or suck?”

“If my hands get unbearably cold, I can douse them with scalding water.”

Henry: “I like blue. It tastes good.” Elise: “No, don’t eat glue!”

“I took a nap and now it’s almost bedtime. Oh no!”

“I guess I’ll have to give a toast at your wedding. I’m okay with that. Not looking forward to the dress. I don’t want to show too much skin. No bows!”

“You know my neck bump? I don’t mind it at all. Hey, Henry! Wanna feel my neck bump?”

“Apparently women should not go around Kimono Dragons when they are on their “you know”. They have a strong sense of smell, poisonous bite, and powerful jaws that paralyzes their victims!”

“Did you know that rhinos are technically unicorns?”

“I was secretly hoping Claire would be Lara Croft for Halloween.”

“We are allowed to change our interests as we get older. BUT I’m still into dragons.”

“The moment I saw Hillary Clinton smile, I immediately didn’t trust her.”

“Imagine flying through a hurricane with a broomstick. Wouldn’t that be so cool?”

“A trident is a fancy word for pitchfork.”

“When I had angel food cake, it didn’t taste very angelic.”

Birds are so lucky. They don’t understand how we humans, yearn to fly.”

Henry- “Who’s Ted Bundy?”
Elise- “He’s a serial killer, that killed women that look like Claire.”

“The C and A are the hardest on YMCA.”

“Morning Mom. My thing started, so buckle up.”

“I’m going to see how long I can stay up. That is…if I don’t fall asleep. I also don’t want to lose touch with reality if I stay up too long.”

Me: Elise, what is the matter?
Elise: I’m concerned about if I say mean things in my sleep.
Me: I haven’t heard you say anything mean.
Elise: Well, I know I’m super competitive in my subconscious.

“Oh yeah i forgot to tell you guys! Im immune to when water drips down to your elbow. It doesn’t bother me anymore! Yay! ”

Henry: Whenever I eat watermelon it makes my mouth hurt.
Elise: Yeah that happens to me too, but I suck it up.

Claire: what do you want my future husband to be like?
Elise: A spider killer. Has siblings. And not too old.

“Can you see my eye sockets? Sometimes I look in the mirror and YAY! I can see my eye sockets!”

“Yep, last day being a teenager. It’s gets harder and harder being a teenager through the generations.”

“Well, last night of being a teenager. Glad to have those wretched teenage years behind me. Don’t forget somebody gets to do my chores tomorrow!”

Context: Elise was refilling a hot cocoa container and left the scoop in.
“Oh shoot, I buried it.”

“I never want to go spelunking. Five out of seven divers die doing it. No thanks!”

Elise: Staring at your creation?
Me: What creation?
Elise: Me.
Me: Yes, I am.

“I saw an ant in my room. Should I be worried?”

“I think we like the smell of food because of our primordial instincts.”

“If I were to be a werewolf, I would be the best at shredding people apart because of my intense jaw strength “

“Are there going to be a bunch of frozen animal corpses because of the cold weather?”

At one point Henry was talking to Elise and he said, “why are you not responding?”
Elise said, “I’m lost in my own thoughts.”

“Dad- I’m just worried about mom so I’m trying to give her space. I think shes worried about Parker.”
Henry- yeah well moms worried about your drinking problem
Elise- well I’m worried about your drinking problem I wish you never even started ”

“I’m thinking of a bad word and it starts with the letter F.”

“Was the ad about our reproductive organ?”

Elise: “Why don’t you point the butter knives down in the dishwasher?”
Me: “I only the point the sharp knives down.”
Elise: “You mean the deadly ones.”

“Let’s hope we never encounter a Jaguar. They can out swim, run and climb a human.”

Hyrum: What are beauty standards?
Elise: You don’t know what beauty standards are? I know less than you, but I know what they are.

Elise was telling Dad and I how she got to watch a movie during assemblies at school. “All the losers had to go to the assembly.”
What she doesn’t know is, I kinda set that up. She hated going to assemblies. So I asked the school to give her an alternative.
Bless her heart! She didn’t have to hang out with the losers!

“Can spiders go invisible now? Do they have the power to teleport? When Dad went to kill the spider in my room, it disappeared when he tried to smash it!”

“I think my bug bite is getting better. I haven’t been compelled to itch it.”

“If I could magically alter my clothes, I would make them all grey. Also, make the neck line higher.”

Back story…. Our cat Comic killed a bird a few minutes ago. “I looked at the feathers on the chest. That MUST have been the killing point.”

“You know how people say that ‘black people cant swim?’ Well is that a joke or is that real?”
C- “yes elise its a joke, black people can swim”
E-“oh well i was thinking that it would be so cute to help black kids learn to swim!”

E-“Well not all gay people do the gross stuff” (referring to sex)

“I just killed a spider with my foot. You can still see the death stain on the floor.”

“The new Jurassic park movie was so good! Especially the Theropods because of their notable front claw fingers.”

Henry past night said “coconut shampoo always smells better than it tastes” Elise just raised her brows and said “hmmm”

“I’m thinking for our next pet, we have either a pig or a rat.”

“I do not ever want to be launched out of a cannon. Unless they told me explicitly how it feels on the body.”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve stopped growing for the rest of my life.”

“Last night I heard Krista’s dogs barking. So I looked out my window and I know I saw Krista calming them down. Because I saw her signature black hair.”

Comments are closed.